I Annoy The Most Important Person To Me

Now I write when I’m away, letters that you’ll never read.

Today I woke up with that empty distance once again. The more distance, the more consistency the muscle has swinging its fists relentlessly into my chest. tightness around my neck, even though I’m sporting a swallow neck t shirt.  I find myself pulling the skin away from my neck, lightening the tensity.

I ve been reading a lot about neuroscience and how we react to certain situations hoping I would find a switch that wouldn’t be a substance that took a lot of lives of rats. 

I think I’m a feeling a bit disregarded despair little lost like a number to Hert not even a number two I don’t like how I no longer important he just jumped away jumped away

I feel like what’s happening right now is everything you promised you wouldn’t happen I’m considering printing out all of our messages that have you pleading and begging for me to just to stay in the way that you’re your change your new woman yeah the same thing just it happens again it is time for some reason it’s so devastating maybe because it’s the mound of time again that we found distant and then another thing is how poorly you spoke of him and his manipulation one

I think another part of it is that I am frustrated and upset and you’ve kind of always promise to be there for me in a matter what and this is like the my weakest and most vulnerable moments and your checked out and I don’t know I want to tell you everything but everything I tell you just pushes you away and you don’t care just do you tell me you care but you do really don’t care and then you’re gonna want to talk to me but you’ve been treating my time like it’s the least important play “you know I’m like at your feet and you’re just not yourI was just like weeks ago or year ago telling me you’re going to knock these walls down and you’re telling your mom you aren’t moving back in with her and you were foreshadowing it in a positive way that there was something still there with us and then one little hiccup and you just blended it all and dumped it down the drain like it like there’s been nothing we work towards like because there’s a little bit of fear hesitant as dating with your thought process server because I was upset that he just

And the dad saw the pass in your car if I hadn’t said anything would things be different now feel like that was the beginning of our downward spiral spiral for the last time and I wish I had just taken and ripped it up and third in the street and told you to stop promising me things that you can up all the new were telling me to that you have your gonna show me with your actions are gonna show me with your actions are you’ve shown me is that you just doing the same thing this is just another time where you spend another month away from here it is this is this is the end of everything and I think I’m still holding on because of all the times I’ve gone back to gather

And I’m not lonely I have people I have friends I have family but it it doesn’t matter if it’s it’s the connection that we had that you’re looking away from this like all this time we spent together it’s been years now I need it’s been days and you treating me like and I don’t know you anymore within days

And when you are ready to talk to me and hear me out I want to but I really want to say is that I don’t feel that my time is important to you anymore so I should I make time for you why it why should I give you my time which is been here lingering wanting you and trying all these things and trying to put all these equations together to try to figure out how to get back into your life for amend these problems that I don’t even know if they can be fixed I just I’ve been trying to figure out a way to just want you to reach out to me I just want to matter again at one and have it sent to be important to you I don’t feel boring

Tonight was Jasmine’s surprise party on the beach. It was another emotional checkpoint on my list. I watched her cry with excitement and joy when she realized Corey had done all this for her. It was just a. Reminder that I no longer had the opportunity to do that for you. I get to see pictures now of you with someone else. Sometimes when my head is clear I have the chance to step outside. To see what a disaster this relationship really was. But it doesn’t matter, i never cared for you any less, any day, it just hurt more some days than others. I’d look for other women. Hopefully I’d find someone to steal my heart. I was wrong though. My heart belonged to you wether I liked it or not, and I haven’t been able to step away from that. I haven’t been proud of my actions, but that doesn’t justify yours. It’s like you are afraid to let me go. You give me a small taste of contact every 24 hours. But you can’t just leave me alone. 

I sulk, I cry during regular activities. I break down on the floor, I forget how to breathe. Everyone’s happiness eats at my insides. I’m devastated. Every little thing you do brings on a wave of emotiosn. A series of critiques. The whys the how’s the when 

My phone is this black hole where I ask questions that never get answered. It’s another place to empty my heart, like I don’t exist. 

I’m standing at Hillstone waiting for a table because my friend works here and I think probably one if you mits came up and offered me a table. Which kicked my heart into the back of my stomach once again. Everything reminds me of you. Beverages on convenience store shelves. When I go to q-tip my ears; I know you know how many I like.  I turn the shower on and lay in my bed pretending you are waiting for me in there. There’s still one of your hairs on my shower wall. 

Let’s make sense of how disgustingly depressed I am. I changed my sheets a few days ago and found a piece of your skin. The one I tried to put back on your hand. I collapsed on the ground sobbing. I saved it in my drawer as disgusting as that is, at least I have a part of you. 

I walk around with this pit of despair, and I still haven’t told you what I’ve done to try to make it go away

Despondent. I woke up feeling that way. I checked Instagram to see if you had been active, to see if you were continuing to keep this distance between us. I texted you, but it was never delivered which means my number is still blocked.

Courtney has been away with her guy all weekend. My other roommate has had a girl over consistently, and Shantnon has seen Shawn a few times already since he’s up in La. Me you ask? I’ve been trying to go back to sleep. I’m picturing you doing all these things and sharing all this time with Him. And being happy. But that’s what I wanted. I want that time with you, that happiness. 

Suicide is stupid. But whats the solution when everything has been ruled out? When you are feel like you are at such a bottom. Maybe you’d get it then, maybe you’d feel the same loss I’m feeling. 

We are supposed to talk today, to plan a time to talk. To plan a time for closure. That’s what I have to look forward to. A chance to see you, to say goodbye. I feel like the goodbyes have already been said. You’ve made your decision by keeping me distant. I was across the street from you, you wouldn’t see me. I tried to bribe you to let me come to weho to see you. You were getting all pretty for him. That used to be for me:(

Part of me wants to block you out forever and hope that you will come crawling back. Banging on my door, but I know you won’t. I know you are out the door. 

The other part of me wants my head to be free, to only remember the shitty things you did to me. Fuck you for telling me I could leave. Fuck you for telling me it was my choice. You lead me to believe you were this wonderful thing. You fucked my heart. Your words of intimacy. I don’t want to want to die everyday. I think about different ways to kill my self everyday because of this temporary situation in my life. 

I’m supposed to be bettering my life. But I’m just trying to find ways to stay afloat.

You came by today, we talked, you said you were going to try to focus on a relationship with him. Finally you made a decision. Thank you for telling me. I feel a bit of relief. Then you fucked me. You didn’t love me, just fucked me. I felt a little used, because it’s about way more than sex with me. It’s passion, it’s me pressing my heart into you. But that’s life. Today is Sunday the 24th of June

It might be the last time we see each other ever. I need to avoid you because you are going to walk me to my death. I can feel it. Im wishing myself luck. 

Fuck it’s only been hours and I want to reach out. Having thoughts of stretching this out just being able to see each other and have fun in the meantime. I guess that’s how it used to be?

How shit of an idea is that. It’s just like a how to on ways to drive yourself insane. Really interested in this AI stuff. Also I really need to get some drawings done and plan a second meet up for these water bottles. 

Is it bad to take what you can get out of her?

She said chin up. I sent her me playing a song, and I’m trying to figure out the right things to say. 

I’m an idiot, and setting myself up for disaster but fuck it. 

I’ve been chatting with you shortly at the end of the day.

Yesterday you didn’t say anything to me until the end of the day. You disregarded what I texted you and just told me to leave you alone because you are going to be out with him. I think I need to not answer you anymore. It hurts everyday. I asked you to make plans on the 4th of July, but you couldn’t answer me. 

Last nights date was a great distraction, but only during the date. Right after I spiraled down into the dark again. She was pretty in a different way. A way I couldn’t compare to you. 

I woke up with that chest ache, seeing that you’ve checked Instagram, but not responded to me. I guess it’s just the ignoring me part that hurts. Knowing I was your number one for so long. I need to sleep for another hour, hopefully the feeling goes away :(

It seems to be a better idea, because I know you don’t want to hear it. Expressing myself here. My friends don’t want to hear about it. I wonder if it’s because of what I told you. If that’s why you are staying around. Because you are afraid I might. 

I want to reach out, i asked how dinner was hoping to start a conversation, because I have this absolute need to communicate with you and figure out how to be near you.

I just want your love. I know I still have a little of your affection, but it’s going away day by day.  You won’t even talk to me on the phone anymore. 

I just wait around all day for you to reach out. I keep telling myself to get it together, and wait for that text and never respond. Make you wonder what I’m doing. 

So much pain in the heart it doesn’t seem real

It’s been over 24 hours: unfortunately you don’t feel a need to reach out. I’m sure my persistence has pushed you out into open waters. My ego keeps lying to me, telling me I need you. Truth is I don’t need someone who treats me like you do. All you have proven is that you are a bad girlfriend. There were times you showed me undeniable love and desire, but it was never solid enough. True love works past lust, and temptation. I need to be a better person in all aspects of my life.

I notice the need to convince myself every hour that you aren’t good for me. This outlet is proving to be useful.  You wouldn’t be with someone that has fucked you in the past. You wouldn’t have led me on. You broke down every part of me and have the nerve to talk about a future with me? What kind of shit is that? You need to find yourself? Well fuck off then and go do it. Leave me alone. Don’t say sweet words to me. All of the times You we’re loving me, I was loving you but worried you were going to fuck me over again. 

I’m having a really hard time even breathing right now, but I think I can work through it. Every part of me aches again. I keep thinking about the 4th, and how I’m a back burning plan. You couldn’t say no. You only could say you don’t know.  But that’s next week. What day did you want to see me? I’m waiting around to be demolished, and you’ve already broken my foundation, ripped out the plumbing and left me standing with just little parts of my heart left. I feel so much sorrow, and I just want to feel happiness. 

Just stood at the edge of a building and looked down really good.

Afraid you are going to reach out and I won’t be able to handle it I want so badly to be with you and see you and hold you 

I’m sensitive

I love you

I’ve lost you 

Im really cold right now. But it’s 71 degrees. 

It’s right under my rib cage. My upper arms are cold under the sleeves. My cheeks keep going numb too. I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m going to try to push forward :(

It’s been 61 hours since I’ve last spoken to you. Or I guess I can say was just turned down by you for Fourth of July plans. My short term goal today is to not look at my phone today? I guess I’m allowed to check Instagram once this morning, even though it’s not going to make me feel any better.  I guess I want her to see that I’m active, and not reaching out? It shows I don’t care as much. I hope she misses me, even though I don’t think that’s the case. I’m hoping that I still mean more to her, than what I thought I did. I guess because every other time was so temporary with him I’m hoping there still a chance. 

At least I didn’t dream about her last night. I had dreams of sterling and somehow Marc showed up too. We were In some weird place that was unfamiliar

I’ve been thinking in a slightly more positive fashion today despite the consumption of this mass, above my shoulders. If she wants me, she’d reach out. I shouldn’t ignore her for more than three days. I think this has been the longest we haven’t spoken in over two years. Her mind space is occupied. 

If I see her, I have to be exactly the reason she fell for me. Don’t talk about love, be interested, and confident. Say it’s okay that you’ve made a mistake.

It’s important to remember. 

You only have right now. 

Make every action as razor sharp as possible. 

How can you make your life better right now?

Why would you reach out to someone who doesn’t  reciprocate the same passion you do for a project. That project could be a relationship; a job, or something else.

Be positivity, negativity only brings negativity.

I’ve been working today, it’s only taken me a month. I’ve done a few things to improve my life, and I’m currently taking a break for tea. I have to be persistent. I have to keep telling myself she’s found happiness with someone else be okay with her decision. I’m okay with dena being happy, I’m okay with Steph being happy. I don’t give a fuck about any previous ex’s.

I’m my own little world, and I need to take care of myself.

Last time I spoke with you was June 26 2018 at 8:05PM, 75 hours have gone by. I watch you by looking at your stories. To see how you are doing. I know I shouldn’t. When you aren’t checking Instagram I’m assuming you are with him. I wish I didn’t feel the need to see you. 

I’m just feeling broken, I keep thinking I see your car, and his car. I just want you to come kicking my door down. I keep looking down from the tops of buildings wondering if it’s the right choice. There’s a lot more than you, but you were the kicker that took me down these stairs. I’ve been plummeting. I feel so low, but I’ve been crying a lot less. I still have cold chills often, I’m kind of used to the tightness in my throat. I have to remind myself to breathe and relax a lot. The tincture last don’t work well. The melatonin and edibles help me sleep. I’m gonna try three melatonin tonight. 

Last night was the first night in a while I didn’t have nightmares about you, so maybe I can do this. I have work to finish.  I’ll check in soon. I miss you terribly. I wonder if you miss me, or if your mind is occupied by him. I wish you’d tell me you made a mistake, but I don’t see that happening ☹️

Last time I tried to end it. 

The past two weeks I’ve been the happiest I have been since I met you. My expectations were fulfilled, my heart was full, when you told me you were breaking down walls and going to show me with actions, this powerful allure took over and all I saw was this Tunnel of smiles and your precious body all over mine. Sharing Sunday sunlight, and me being able to wash your clothes, bring you tea in bed, scrub your little noggin. I was looking into the future for once. Id endure the pain of the past, and think about the present for once. The talks of a vacation far away with no phones, no contact, just the sunshine that you wanted on your cheeks. Both your bottom and below your beautiful eyes.

That all seemed to come to a Screeching stop when I saw that pass hanging there.

Something so minuscule, but it was the consistent reminder, that you had this desire to hang on. I was immediately drawn back into this abyss.

My thoughts began reciting themselves over and over again. You aren’t anything Alexander, you aren’t her happiness anymore. I saw your smiles reflections off someone else’s face. Stop pulling at her ankles, she needs them to move forward and on. Your weight is just a parasite to her and yourself. 

Then I remembered the promises, how it wouldn’t happen again. That you were for sure this time. That you were happy with me holding your

heart. And everything got darker, colder, tighter around my neck.

I felt these jabs in my gut and the cold bathroom floor. Everything was wet but I hadn’t showered in days. It was just from the sobs, the night sweats. The only place I could get away, was haunted too.

I think I understand your little box, your space that everyone has a chance to see you glow in, to maybe be a part of, even if it’s a gentle gesture, a swell hello, or a chance to hold your heart. 

But I’ve been in the box, at your little toes, looking up at your glow

I’ve seen your uncertain hand reach out everytime and I’ve grabbed for it because I knew deep down how much any future time was worth to me. 

But I think it’s time for me to leave, and shut the door.

I’ll be hard to find, but if you want, you will find a way back to me.

Because I’d know how to find my way back to you.

 I just remembered how you told me you were going to try to pursue a relationship with him. That fucking sucks.


Last night was shit. Today and the weekend is going to be harder. I miss you Mackenna, regardless of everything. I guess it’s hard to relate because I’ve only gone through this from the same end before, and I’ve never put someone through it.

You posted a video in his car.  Wearing that dress you asked me if I liked, looking beautiful with your little braids. Staring right past me. Like I don’t exist. Do you not consider me when posting these things?

You can go away. You can not reach out anymore. But know you are still in here. You haven’t left. I feel this way because we had something special. It’s not something that goes away. 

I’ve lost track of how long it has been.  But too long is always an answer. I missed you when you were leaving. I missed you before you left. Probably because I knew you were gone. I wonder if you will ever reach out again. Pretty sure I’m not going to see you this week or on the fourth. I forgot your birthday is coming up too. Thats going to be two extra rough days. 

Four days or 111 hours. It’s been going by minute by minute...still feeling that video from yesterday. It gets in there. Watching you with someone I fucking hate. Seeing you, what I want to be with,  not with me. 

I feel like you dress better around him. Why is that? I always made sure I looked good when you were around. I wanted you to be proud of who you were with.

I just walk around pretending I’m okay. I watch when you are active on Instagram. Even though we haven’t been speaking, it let’s me know you are probably alone for a little. The more the days add up, the closer I know you are getting to him. The greater our distance is growing. Baby I miss you. My heart aches all the time. In the morning, in the evening, and all the seconds in between. 

It’s the most overwhelming feeling.

I haven’t texted you, so I don’t know if I’m blocked. You said you’d text me later, and it’s feeling like that’s going to be years from now.

Cant help to wonder if you are thinking of me, if you want to be next to me, if you want me to touch you. 

I guess I know it’s easier. I remember when I found Dena, I didn’t want to talk to Steph, because I didn’t want to fuck it up with dena. You have Rohan now. I wonder if you realize what you did is kind of fucked. Or if you still have that mentality that makes you think it’s okay. 

Warmth, excitement, confidence, reassurance of your affection.. Manifest the possibilities of mending the pessimistic bickering. 

Temptation is swelling, desires to see you. Aggression of sorrows and doubts.

All of my actions haven’t introduced me to anyone that has excited me in the past few years. Welcoming the undesirable crowd. 

What do you want to see? 

You posted pictures that are obviously that he took. You definitely have no regard for my thoughts because you know I’d see them. I wonder if what you want Is for me to kill myself. That distance to pavement isn’t looking as bad as it normally would these days. I don’t think you understand what you are doing. Please just give it some time before you post that stuff.

It’s been a little over a week since we’ve touched each other. I’m crumbling and dissolving. I have to keep telling myself that something I’m in love with and absolutely infatuated with doesn’t give a fucking shit about me. It feels like I’ve done something horrible, and this is payback. There now way I would post pictures of me in someone’s car, or at a resort, had I left you. I’d keep it quiet. At least for six months. Not a week after I’ve slept with you. 

I want to die. Do you not understand that. Like I know I have a future of things I want to accomplish. But I really want to die. I know you aren’t worth it, but maybe it would teach you. Maybe it would help you realize what what you are doing isn’t right or fair to someone you shared so much with just moments ago. I never did anything to hurt you. Remember that. 

Pitiful, surrendered, unwanted distance. Too comparable to death of a loved one. The nightmares have been happening again, but at least I’m being a little more productive.

Still waiting for you to reach out. Miss you terribly. I hate you for what you decided, and dragging me through this and love you at the same time.

Silence has been broken after almost a week. Of course he’s away. Why would she want to ruin it? She misses me? Did she want me to reach out? It’s like this entire time all we needed was a little space to realize how much we meant to each other?

To be honest I’m quite terrified. What if we kiss, touch, feel? She’s young, I’m in love. I can’t escape it. 

If there was an apocalypse would you come for me? I’d come for you. I’d find you, and hold you. You are gold, you. Id suppose you’d, be looking for me by that lakeside we spoke about. 

Now that I’m only a thought, have you realized I’m for you? Is the distraction of mini vacations and going those extra miles feel more than me? I spoiled you with my heart. You’d know you can’t just buy me in a mart. I’m a special kind. You can’t order me when you dine.

July 3rd 2018

A day before fireworks, which I only want to spend with you. You weren’t so sure about seeing me today. Yesterday you seemed excited. You left quickly. We got to embrace each other for a little, now I’m eating alone feeling quite cold. I forgot everything I wanted to say to you that was strong and confident. 

I’m sitting in the truck holding onto this impossible reality that she might come back and see me. It’s disgusting. I shouldn’t have come here, I just restarted the cycle of unhappiness. Why the fuck would I kiss her. Whats wring with me. Why am I doing this to myself. 

Watching that video of her breaking in her shoes...watching anything with her. I’m obsessed. Im beyond repair. I love and desire her, but need to let her go at the same time. 

Do I ask her about another chance? I woke up with this idea. Her nurturing the idea of not messing up another relationship, the idea of her growing. She has told me this before...

Can she be solely mine? Does she want to be solely mine? Emotionally.

I’ve been talking to you again for three days. He’s gone somewhere. How many more days before you disappear on me. Remember to stay strong and confident. No one loves stress and unhappiness. Remind her she’s amazing in special ways that no one else can. 

Heavy feelings of anticipation, with the possibility to see her..excitement, anxious, cloudy. 

I drove an hour out of the way, just to be disappointed. I’m going to wait for another hour to see if she changes her mind. I said nice things today, but I think I’m off her mind today. 

She sent me to voicemail, she hasn’t called you back. She obviously doesn’t want to see you.  Get over it, you are only hurting yourself. 

Actually real quick, and sorry, no need to respond. I want to make plans and spend as much time with you as possible before he comes back. I don’t know how much time I have so that stresses me out. Those two weeks we shared not too long ago were really important to me. 

The other logic part of me wants to back away and give you your space and not ask to see you, in hopes that you will reach out and want to see me.  

But then I’m like will it be too late? Should I keep trying? What’s the right thing to do with someone you feel this way about? I know you feel for me and pumpkin, I care about you in weird deep ways that no one in the past 10 years has made me feel. 

It’s time sensitive, so I’m sharing, instead of leaving this I’m my notes. 

Again no response needed. 

I made the mistake of planting the seed in my head that I thought you were interested I thought you were interested and I thought you were are you sure this is excitement through this you’re like inspired to want to Siri and I don’t know you were telling me that you were your relationship status and changed but when I talk to you on the phone and I saw your face you had this is just this glow that I want to see me and you’re you’re just trying to see me and I told you I said why why do you want to mess something up that if that’s what you want why I just wanted to know if maybe I was asking to see if I was important maybe I didn’t I don’t know I just I wouldn’t want you to do that to me so I was trying to just question I just wanted you to be like no you know what Alex that’s that’s good point but but you’re the you’re the person I don’t want to do that too I change my mind I just saw something that I haven’t seen in a while and it made me feel nice again I don’t know I just saw you caring about me in a way that I have it maybe that’s what I’m stuck on right now it was a really bad idea to even respond to you I guess I get to see you and hold you and kiss you little bit. But felt fucking terrible the second that you disappeared again that you left I just wish you were grown up already I wish you were a grown-up I wish you just treated me fairly from the beginning now I’m stuck in this pit this right I have a little bit of time until I know you come back he comes back and I told you not to do you didn’t need to respond but I really really wanted a response I asked you if you thought I was wasting my time trying to get back to you guys everything I’m reading if you’re this if you’re as important as I think you are to me I shouldn’t give up right like he didn’t give up by would I want to give up but it’s it’s not I don’t think it’s about me it’s about you a lot I wanna don’t like thinking about killing myself but sometimes I feel like that’s only thing that would make you get it you don’t take me seriously it’s like you think I’m joking about these feelings that I’m having and then you get upset when I tell you that I’ve I’ve almost done something stupid about you you don’t care nobody

I could see that you’ve given up Karen distant I want everything to be different I want you back in my life I want on that dream that you had where I didn’t exist to be true and for me to be able to re-meet you at a time where you wouldn’t do this to me were you just treat me like I was important maybe that’s what I need to maybe I need to be more like you anymore I just care about what I want I want not what but that doesn’t make it it’s like counterintuitive like I want I want to be with you I want

I want to care about you the way you care about me I don’t wanna you to say good night because I’m annoying you do you don’t annoy me I want to people used to call me annoying when I was younger and I hate that I feel annoying to you I just want you don’t want to hear everything I have to say and absorb it and respond to it and come running to me I just want you to come running to me for some reason my knees get you when I’m getting subway an ally fuck am I supposed

 to do is wait

And now I’m in this position where I weigh again I just don’t I have all this work to do a cake clear my fucking head to get it done nothing is fixing it a little bit when I was in talking to you was that like I was getting a little better and I am needy and why the fuck wouldnt I be needy I would and I want or need you I am not expressing that I’d give it up like you’ve left obviously I do I don’t want to be with you and see you and touch you and feel you

I think anybody that is in love with somebody or things that they are feels needy. They have so much want and desire to want to be with that person all the time why wouldn’t I want to be with you all the time why wouldn’t I want to figure out a schedule to see you waited around for four hours today didn’t get done what I needed to do because it may be had a fucking chance to see you but I was just a no thank you I have things to do and then had discussed of why I was sharing my location with you discussed discussed discussed disgusting

Have the attention of this new girl that I’ve only been talking to for today and the quickness and what she responds and depth of conversation and happiness makes me sick because I get silence from you and all I want is what I’m getting from other people but it’s not other people that I want it’s you it’s just you

So now what here’s a question or do I wait till tomorrow to continue the silence that I don’t want my life it’s so hard to be positive right now love Doug is very deep hole and several aspects of my life and it’s very difficult to get out of my concerns for positivity. Making me very scared

“What I do know though is that right this very minute you’re being needy and slightly distracting and in this very moment I need to say goodnight to you”

Wouldn’t you be “needy”, feel needy, after not talking to you for over a week, then you come back and tell me your status had changed. But it actually hasn’t. 

Then you see this excited face, and I ask what you were doing, and all of the sudden you have this utmost desire to want to see me. So I got from being sad and depresssed to be overwhelmed with the fact that you want to see me. 

Then you show me your soft supple breasts to cheer me up. 

Today you tell me I’m being too much, and you basically want me to go away again. I feel alike I’m being pushed to the edge again. 

What the fuck would you do Mackenna? 

Are you kidding me? Do you realize how unfair you are being by even feeling that way? 

Put yourself in my shoes. What would you be doing?

You’d be dying. You be burning inside. That wick would be at the bottom of the candle, and the only thing that would be left after the flame goes out is tears, and this empty pit that’s been following me around for months, and years.

Watching you disappear one day at a time. I have to play games to get you back. Put a quarter in... but don’t touch the joystick. Just watch h the time run out. Watch yourself get defeated. 

Why the fuck did you want to see me. It was only 6 days. Why didn’t you just leave me alone? I was doing okay. I hadn’t reached out.

You know what? Fuck your relationship with him, he never respected us. He showed up at your first game, did he ask you? Did he tell you? Fucking leaving notes in your car with your wheel. Fucking talking to your mom, and doing business with your brother. Then fuck you for fucking me over on my birthday, like it was some opportunity to network. It was just his fucking loser ass friends. 

You are just as big of a scumbag. You treat me like dirt, I’m too much for you right now! Right?

I can’t wait to forget about you. All you bring me is stress and misery. Your

lack of empathy, after how you treated me is pathetic.

You fucked me so many times.

Of course I’m highly sensitive, I’m dealing with the most important part of my life right now. The all consuming, break me down, drain me of my super powers woman of my life. 

You’ve been in my shoes when you’ve fucked up.

All I can think of is wanting to see you today, but I have all the work in the world to do. :(

I keep coming back to the same question. What do I do? Do I reach out? Is it so beyond fucked that I should just ask to see her anyways?

I wake up, I check your Instagram to see if you sent me a picture there, something new I can see of you that you shared with the world. I’m guessing a little of you wanted me to see it. 

I don’t know why I’m being cautious of sharing things with you, I should just set my ground rules. Be stern. 

Time is limited. 

So I’m going to put it out there; It would be lovely to see you today. 

She told me I was being needy yesterday since we started talking again. wouldnt you be needy too if you knew we were on the brink of extinction?

This hurts. I came here to see you. Solely to see you. Now I’m sitting in a surf shop drinking a tea feeling left out. You just don’t want to see me.

You told me you were going to pursue a relationship. That this was your notice.

Then we spoke on the phone. You had this glow towards me. But I must have been mistaken.

It felt like you liked me again. You were smiling on the phone. 

But you can’t handle any of my drama or foresight or preoccupied mind with only you on it. 

Fucking horrible feeling, knowing I’m just annoying you. I just want to see you. I’m splitting at my non existent seams. Why wouldn’t you want to spend time with me?


Fuck fuck 

About to start crying again.

I annoy the most important person to me.

That’s what hurts. It hurts I’m becoming a stranger.

Why are you keeping me around? Is there any part of you that wants me the same? Does part of you want to be my gf still? What’s the probability of that?

No offense but you’ve also done/said some fucked up selfish things Ive chosen not to argue or talk about because we are on the brink of extinction.

Hope your day is well.